"Steps" for Grandparents

Steps for Grandparents


• Recognize the Dynamics of Step: The stepfamily has its own special state of dynamics and behaviors. Once learned, the behaviors can become predictable and positive. DO NOT try to overlay the expectations and dynamics of the intact and natural family onto the stepfamily.

• Give yourself time to grieve over the loss of the biological family: A stepfamily comes about upon a death or divorce in a nuclear family. Grandparents need to mourn the loss of that relationship before they can become a part of the stepfamily. Anger, resentment and fears are normal.

• Value yourself as a grandparent: Grandparents and stepparents are wonderful resource people. You have a lot to offer, such as unconditional love, family history and your life experience. Share!

• Reserve judgments: Negative judgments with a child can serve to increase the child's sense of confusion, conflict of loyalties and impact his self-esteem.

• Step-grand parenting: Go slow and see where your grand parenting skills are needed. Be prepared for the conflicts of biological and step feelings in you if there is more than one set of children in a household.

• Holidays, traditions and rituals: Maintain family rituals in your home as you wish them to remain. Adapt to new traditions in the stepfamily as they develop.

• Listen: be an impartial sounding board to your grandchildren or step grandchildren. At times they might need someone just to listen.

• Guard your sense of humor and use it: The step situation is filled with the unexpected. Sometimes we don't know whether to laugh or cry. Try humor.

• Your adult child has divorced and moved on to a new marriage. Recalling the good times in their old marriage is not going to help with blending the new marriage. Take the old wedding photos off the wall and put them away in a special album. It’s O.K. to keep these pictures, but do not display the old marriage partners on the wall for everyone to see when they visit you.

• When your adult child calls and wants to talk about their frustrating moments in their blended family don’t judge or say anything negative that you’ll regret later. It’s very difficult to blend a family and requires a lot of patience. Support your son or daughter as they try to be a good parent and spouse in this new blended family.

• Remember that it’s your job to love all of your grandchildren and support your adult child and his or her spouse in their new blended family. It is new and unfamiliar at first, but worth your efforts. You will have the reward of a bigger family to love you in return.

References:

Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC, Blended and Step Family Expert

http://www.BlendedFamilyAdvice.com

Stepfamily Foundation, Inc.

333 West End Ave. New York, NY 10023

http://www.stepfamily.org

Seminars for non-profit organizations and Churches in the Charleston, S.C. area.

Please contact me via e-mail if your Church or non-profit is interested in a no-fee educational seminar for stepfamilies or those who are divorced and considering remarriage.