Children have a need for power and this is quite normal. Children see adults as having power. Our children think that we do what we want to do. We appear strong and secure. We are all grown up. We have power. Children want to be like us. They want the same power they perceive us as having.
Children love to argue because for them, it creates a sense of power. They want their ideas to be everyone else's ideas. They like to prove that they are right and you and everyone else are wrong. Children like to control the situation. They enjoy having power over their parents.
Having a need for power is not a bad thing. It is only when a child uses power in a negative way that power can become a problem. Power-seeking children try to do what they want to do. They refuse to do what you ask. Children who seek power do not like to be told what to do. They resist authority, ignore the rules, and like to determine how things are going to be done.
Most parents deal with power by emphasizing counter-control. This does not work. Our efforts to control a power-seeking child often lead to a power struggle between you and your child.This is a no-win situation. Once you are in the power struggle battle, you have lost.
If your child wins the power struggle, he is reassured that power created the victory. You were defeated by his power. If you win the power struggle, your child thinks that it was your power that caused the victory and defeated him. He is reassured of the value of power. This results in children striking back, again and again, each time with stronger methods. You win the battle but lose the war.
Every child displays power differently. Most power struggles are active. Arguing is a good example of active power. Some children have learned the value of passive resistance. Rather than argue, these children will refuse to do what you asked. They nod their heads and just sit quietly. Some even smile a little. This type of power has a definite purpose-to push your buttons.
Stop being part of the power struggle. It takes two to tango. Make a firm commitment to yourself that you will no longer engage in arguments and lengthy explanations. State your expectations clearly and firmly and walk away. Tell your child exactly what you want him to do, when he must do it, and what happens if he does not. Then walk away.
Do not stay in the situation and argue. Go to your room and close the door if necessary. Do not let your child push your buttons. If you get angry, you will be rewarding your child. Your anger will give your child the power over you that he seeks. You may need to use punishment when dealing with power. Tell your child what to do. Be ready with a punishment if your child fails to cooperate. If you punish a child because of a power struggle, remember two things. First, do not punish in anger; this will only encourage your child to strike back with power. Second, smaller punishments work better than bigger punishments. If your child thinks you have punished him too harshly, he will retaliate with power.
When your child does what you ask without an argument, thank him. As a long-term solution, remember that a child's need for power can be a positive thing. Look for independence, self-reliance, leadership, and decision making. When your child shows these qualities, spotlight them. Catch him being good. As with most behavior problems, the positive approach is the best remedy for handling power.
The difference between power and authority lies within you. When you have to confront your children, emphasize cooperation, not control. Stay calm and rational in spite of the situation. Guard your anger button. Stop and think. Do not react impulsively. Give clear and specific expectations. Explain what will happen if your child chooses not to cooperate. Do not give ultimatums. Focus on influencing your child's motivation.
Read more on FamilyEducation: http://life.familyeducation.com/behavioral-problems/punishment/42960.html#ixzz1RndkFnmn
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Divorce and Your Family
Family Life After Divorce
Family life during and following a divorce can be a time of uncertainty and confusion for parents and children alike. This can be a time of emotional upheaval for all involved. Anxiety, fear, and depression, and regression are only a few of the troubling emotional disturbances that the children and parents have to deal with in the divorce process.
Effects of Divorce on Children
Young children have little understanding of the concept of divorce. Preschoolers often show signs of regression as a result of marriage difficulties. Parental conflict can result in regressive behaviors in children such as thumb-sucking, bed-wetting.and other behaviors that the child had already outgrown.
The most common reaction preschoolers have to their parents' divorce is self-blame. Preschool children whose parents divorce often feel that they have done something to cause the divorce. They feel as if their poor behavior was the cause. Often they think that if they are very good everything will be fine again. These children begin to feel that if they try really hard that mom and dad will get back together. The most important thing parents can do is to ensure children that it is not their fault and is not about them.
Effects of Divorce on Adolescents
Adolescents are more likely to question the whole idea of marriage, have financial worries, and take sides in their parents’ divorce. These young people begin to feel as if their own marriage will fail the same way their parents' marriage did. They question if marriage is really worth all the trouble and heartache
Teenagers are more likely to worry about finances than their younger siblings. During adolescence people are more self centered .Teenagers want to be sure that their parents can still afford them the lifestyle to which been accustomed. They want to still be able to buy things, places with their friends. Younger children have yet to develop the concept of money therefore it is not a burden on them.
Teenagers are more likely than their younger siblings to take sides in the divorce. They are more likely to see one parent as bad and one as good. Over time these expectations may change as the children begin to heal from the initial shock of the parents’ divorce.
Relationships after Divorce
Divorce may find you feeling empty and ready to head toward a new relationship. Although this can be an exciting time, it is a time to use caution and judgment. Many people find that first relationships following divorce are great and exciting but do not last. Often these people have not given themselves or their children time to grieve and heal from the process of divorce. They find that their children are not yet ready to accept a different figure in their lives.
Conclusion
There is little that can be referred to as good in most divorces cases, especially those that include children. Parents need to be mindful that children view the breakup very differently than their parents. These children tend to blame themselves and may fall into depression. It is imperative that parents who are in marital discourse put the best interest of the children first. Parents need to be honest and open to the degree that the child can comprehend and never use children as spies or emotional crutches. The child’s current and future wellbeing depends greatly on how parents handle themselves during and after divorce.
References
Divorceinfo.com, Retrieved April 12, 2011 from http://www.divorceinfo.htm
Family life during and following a divorce can be a time of uncertainty and confusion for parents and children alike. This can be a time of emotional upheaval for all involved. Anxiety, fear, and depression, and regression are only a few of the troubling emotional disturbances that the children and parents have to deal with in the divorce process.
Effects of Divorce on Children
Young children have little understanding of the concept of divorce. Preschoolers often show signs of regression as a result of marriage difficulties. Parental conflict can result in regressive behaviors in children such as thumb-sucking, bed-wetting.and other behaviors that the child had already outgrown.
The most common reaction preschoolers have to their parents' divorce is self-blame. Preschool children whose parents divorce often feel that they have done something to cause the divorce. They feel as if their poor behavior was the cause. Often they think that if they are very good everything will be fine again. These children begin to feel that if they try really hard that mom and dad will get back together. The most important thing parents can do is to ensure children that it is not their fault and is not about them.
Effects of Divorce on Adolescents
Adolescents are more likely to question the whole idea of marriage, have financial worries, and take sides in their parents’ divorce. These young people begin to feel as if their own marriage will fail the same way their parents' marriage did. They question if marriage is really worth all the trouble and heartache
Teenagers are more likely to worry about finances than their younger siblings. During adolescence people are more self centered .Teenagers want to be sure that their parents can still afford them the lifestyle to which been accustomed. They want to still be able to buy things, places with their friends. Younger children have yet to develop the concept of money therefore it is not a burden on them.
Teenagers are more likely than their younger siblings to take sides in the divorce. They are more likely to see one parent as bad and one as good. Over time these expectations may change as the children begin to heal from the initial shock of the parents’ divorce.
Relationships after Divorce
Divorce may find you feeling empty and ready to head toward a new relationship. Although this can be an exciting time, it is a time to use caution and judgment. Many people find that first relationships following divorce are great and exciting but do not last. Often these people have not given themselves or their children time to grieve and heal from the process of divorce. They find that their children are not yet ready to accept a different figure in their lives.
Conclusion
There is little that can be referred to as good in most divorces cases, especially those that include children. Parents need to be mindful that children view the breakup very differently than their parents. These children tend to blame themselves and may fall into depression. It is imperative that parents who are in marital discourse put the best interest of the children first. Parents need to be honest and open to the degree that the child can comprehend and never use children as spies or emotional crutches. The child’s current and future wellbeing depends greatly on how parents handle themselves during and after divorce.
References
Divorceinfo.com, Retrieved April 12, 2011 from http://www.divorceinfo.htm
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