Do you Argue with your Children? How to Avoid a Power Struggle.

Children have a need for power and this is quite normal. Children see adults as having power. Our children think that we do what we want to do. We appear strong and secure. We are all grown up. We have power. Children want to be like us. They want the same power they perceive us as having.


Children love to argue because for them, it creates a sense of power. They want their ideas to be everyone else's ideas. They like to prove that they are right and you and everyone else are wrong. Children like to control the situation. They enjoy having power over their parents.

Having a need for power is not a bad thing. It is only when a child uses power in a negative way that power can become a problem. Power-seeking children try to do what they want to do. They refuse to do what you ask. Children who seek power do not like to be told what to do. They resist authority, ignore the rules, and like to determine how things are going to be done.

Most parents deal with power by emphasizing counter-control. This does not work. Our efforts to control a power-seeking child often lead to a power struggle between you and your child.This is a no-win situation. Once you are in the power struggle battle, you have lost.

If your child wins the power struggle, he is reassured that power created the victory. You were defeated by his power. If you win the power struggle, your child thinks that it was your power that caused the victory and defeated him. He is reassured of the value of power. This results in children striking back, again and again, each time with stronger methods. You win the battle but lose the war.

Every child displays power differently. Most power struggles are active. Arguing is a good example of active power. Some children have learned the value of passive resistance. Rather than argue, these children will refuse to do what you asked. They nod their heads and just sit quietly. Some even smile a little. This type of power has a definite purpose-to push your buttons.

Stop being part of the power struggle. It takes two to tango. Make a firm commitment to yourself that you will no longer engage in arguments and lengthy explanations. State your expectations clearly and firmly and walk away. Tell your child exactly what you want him to do, when he must do it, and what happens if he does not. Then walk away.

Do not stay in the situation and argue. Go to your room and close the door if necessary. Do not let your child push your buttons. If you get angry, you will be rewarding your child. Your anger will give your child the power over you that he seeks. You may need to use punishment when dealing with power. Tell your child what to do. Be ready with a punishment if your child fails to cooperate. If you punish a child because of a power struggle, remember two things. First, do not punish in anger; this will only encourage your child to strike back with power. Second, smaller punishments work better than bigger punishments. If your child thinks you have punished him too harshly, he will retaliate with power.

When your child does what you ask without an argument, thank him. As a long-term solution, remember that a child's need for power can be a positive thing. Look for independence, self-reliance, leadership, and decision making. When your child shows these qualities, spotlight them. Catch him being good. As with most behavior problems, the positive approach is the best remedy for handling power.

The difference between power and authority lies within you. When you have to confront your children, emphasize cooperation, not control. Stay calm and rational in spite of the situation. Guard your anger button. Stop and think. Do not react impulsively. Give clear and specific expectations. Explain what will happen if your child chooses not to cooperate. Do not give ultimatums. Focus on influencing your child's motivation.





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