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Thank You.
Eric
Friday, September 23, 2011
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
The Strong Willed Child. "I Don't Know What Else To Do!"
“I don't know what else to do with my child. I have tried everything. Nothing seems to work. Everything I do turns into an argument or a fight!”
Does this sound familiar?
Each day we attempt the same routines and are met with the same arguments. We hope that the behavior is just part of a phase or that “all kids go through this stage”. Unfortunately, poor behaviors usually don't go away on their own.
Does it mean that you are a bad parent if your child misbehaves. No, it simply means that if what you are doing isn't working perhaps it’s time to get some help and try something different.
Start by Recognizing your Child’s Temperament
Temperament is defined as "constitutionally based individual differences" in emotions, activity, and self-regulation (Rothbart & Bates, 2006). "Constitutionally based" refers to traits that are genetically inherited. In other words, your child is genetically predisposed to a certain temperament.
Can you as the parent change your child’s temperament? Most research says that temperament cannot be changed but that child-rearing practices can modify the way a child expresses himself. Parents and caregivers should find a goodness of fit, a temperamental adjustment that allows for smooth parent/child interaction. Finding a good fit will help your child learn more productive coping skills and adjust more easily to daily challenges.
A child with a difficult temperament does not necessarily mean that he or she will grow to have a neurotic personality when they become adults. While raising children consider how you interact with your child’s temperament. Children who are difficult should not be treated harshly but redirected to more constructive activities. Harsh treatment can create a child who is destructive and antisocial.
Learning to work with the child’s temperament allows for teaching the child to cope with situations differently than what may be prescribed by their genetic predisposition. Parents should attempt to recognize temperament to assist and guide the child in constructive ways that may alter their eventual personality in a positive way.
For more on temperament:
http://tlctricountylifecoaching.blogspot.com/2011/06/do-you-know-your-childs-temperament.html
http://tlctricountylifecoaching.blogspot.com/2011/06/more-on-temperament-does-temperament.html
Does my Child have a Disorder?
The American Academy of Pediatrics states that parents should seek help when they think it is necessary. The earlier the intervention, the better the outcome.
Below is a list and a description of common childhood/early onset mental illnesses. These disorders can create a high degree of dysfunction in your family if not properly treated. If you feel that your child may fall into one of these categories it is recommended that you contact a qualified professional. Don't delay seeking help. Treatment may produce better results if started early.
•Anxiety disorders: Children with anxiety disorders respond to certain things or situations with fear and dread, as well as with physical signs of nervousness, such as a rapid heartbeat and sweating.
•Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD): Children with ADHD generally have problems paying attention or concentrating. They can't seem to follow directions, and are easily bored or frustrated. They also tend to move constantly as if driven by a motor.
•Disruptive behavior disorders: Children with these disorders tend to defy rules and often are disruptive in structured environments, such as school.
•Pervasive development disorders: Children with these disorders are confused in their thinking and generally have problems understanding the world around them.
•Affective (mood) disorders: These disorders involve persistent feelings of sadness and/or rapidly changing moods.
•Schizophrenia: This is a serious disorder that involves distorted perceptions and thoughts.
For more on disorders:
http://tlctricountylifecoaching.blogspot.com/2011/08/childhood-mental-disorders.html
Once you have ruled out a disorder
Consider that your child defies your rules to see what he can get away with. Children will generally do what works for them and not necessarily you. If ignoring the rules lets them get out of doing something that they don’t want to do then they are unlikely to listen. If your child procrastinates or if you are inconsistent in enforcing the rules you are likely reinforcing defiant behavior. Strong willed children are very good at recognizing inconsistencies and quick to learn your weaknesses. If you are setting inconsistent and/or ineffective limits you are probably stuck in a pattern of shouting, fighting and arguing.
Effective Discipline and Limits Without a Power Struggle
Effective discipline focuses on the behavior and not the child. Below are some steps to consider while working towards improving your child’s behavior.
• A clear message: State your message in a clear and specific manner. If your child replies “just a second, later, but mommy...” follow with a reasonable consequence for non- compliance. Tell your child exactly what you want him to do, when he must do it, and what happens if he does not. Then walk away.
• Keep your emotions in check: If you show anger, you will be rewarding your child. Your anger will give your child the power over you that she seeks.
• Do not hand down consequences in anger: Your anger will only encourage your child to strike back with anger.
• Smaller consequences work better than bigger consequences: If your child thinks you have punished him too harshly, he will retaliate with power.
• The difference between power and authority lies within you:
When you have to confront your child, emphasize cooperation, not control.
Stay calm and rational in spite of the situation.
Guard your anger button.
Stop and think.
Act, do not react.
Give clear and specific expectations. Explain what will happen if your child chooses not to cooperate.
Do not give ultimatums.
Look for independence, self-reliance, leadership, and decision making. When your child shows these qualities, spotlight them. Catch him being good. As with most behavior problems, the positive approach is the best remedy for handling power a power struggle.
A Final (and very important) Note
When your child does what you ask without an argument, thank him: A little praise can go a long way.
Does this sound familiar?
Each day we attempt the same routines and are met with the same arguments. We hope that the behavior is just part of a phase or that “all kids go through this stage”. Unfortunately, poor behaviors usually don't go away on their own.
Does it mean that you are a bad parent if your child misbehaves. No, it simply means that if what you are doing isn't working perhaps it’s time to get some help and try something different.
Start by Recognizing your Child’s Temperament
Temperament is defined as "constitutionally based individual differences" in emotions, activity, and self-regulation (Rothbart & Bates, 2006). "Constitutionally based" refers to traits that are genetically inherited. In other words, your child is genetically predisposed to a certain temperament.
Can you as the parent change your child’s temperament? Most research says that temperament cannot be changed but that child-rearing practices can modify the way a child expresses himself. Parents and caregivers should find a goodness of fit, a temperamental adjustment that allows for smooth parent/child interaction. Finding a good fit will help your child learn more productive coping skills and adjust more easily to daily challenges.
A child with a difficult temperament does not necessarily mean that he or she will grow to have a neurotic personality when they become adults. While raising children consider how you interact with your child’s temperament. Children who are difficult should not be treated harshly but redirected to more constructive activities. Harsh treatment can create a child who is destructive and antisocial.
Learning to work with the child’s temperament allows for teaching the child to cope with situations differently than what may be prescribed by their genetic predisposition. Parents should attempt to recognize temperament to assist and guide the child in constructive ways that may alter their eventual personality in a positive way.
For more on temperament:
http://tlctricountylifecoaching.blogspot.com/2011/06/do-you-know-your-childs-temperament.html
http://tlctricountylifecoaching.blogspot.com/2011/06/more-on-temperament-does-temperament.html
Does my Child have a Disorder?
The American Academy of Pediatrics states that parents should seek help when they think it is necessary. The earlier the intervention, the better the outcome.
Below is a list and a description of common childhood/early onset mental illnesses. These disorders can create a high degree of dysfunction in your family if not properly treated. If you feel that your child may fall into one of these categories it is recommended that you contact a qualified professional. Don't delay seeking help. Treatment may produce better results if started early.
•Anxiety disorders: Children with anxiety disorders respond to certain things or situations with fear and dread, as well as with physical signs of nervousness, such as a rapid heartbeat and sweating.
•Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD): Children with ADHD generally have problems paying attention or concentrating. They can't seem to follow directions, and are easily bored or frustrated. They also tend to move constantly as if driven by a motor.
•Disruptive behavior disorders: Children with these disorders tend to defy rules and often are disruptive in structured environments, such as school.
•Pervasive development disorders: Children with these disorders are confused in their thinking and generally have problems understanding the world around them.
•Affective (mood) disorders: These disorders involve persistent feelings of sadness and/or rapidly changing moods.
•Schizophrenia: This is a serious disorder that involves distorted perceptions and thoughts.
For more on disorders:
http://tlctricountylifecoaching.blogspot.com/2011/08/childhood-mental-disorders.html
Once you have ruled out a disorder
Consider that your child defies your rules to see what he can get away with. Children will generally do what works for them and not necessarily you. If ignoring the rules lets them get out of doing something that they don’t want to do then they are unlikely to listen. If your child procrastinates or if you are inconsistent in enforcing the rules you are likely reinforcing defiant behavior. Strong willed children are very good at recognizing inconsistencies and quick to learn your weaknesses. If you are setting inconsistent and/or ineffective limits you are probably stuck in a pattern of shouting, fighting and arguing.
Effective Discipline and Limits Without a Power Struggle
Effective discipline focuses on the behavior and not the child. Below are some steps to consider while working towards improving your child’s behavior.
• A clear message: State your message in a clear and specific manner. If your child replies “just a second, later, but mommy...” follow with a reasonable consequence for non- compliance. Tell your child exactly what you want him to do, when he must do it, and what happens if he does not. Then walk away.
• Keep your emotions in check: If you show anger, you will be rewarding your child. Your anger will give your child the power over you that she seeks.
• Do not hand down consequences in anger: Your anger will only encourage your child to strike back with anger.
• Smaller consequences work better than bigger consequences: If your child thinks you have punished him too harshly, he will retaliate with power.
• The difference between power and authority lies within you:
When you have to confront your child, emphasize cooperation, not control.
Stay calm and rational in spite of the situation.
Guard your anger button.
Stop and think.
Act, do not react.
Give clear and specific expectations. Explain what will happen if your child chooses not to cooperate.
Do not give ultimatums.
Look for independence, self-reliance, leadership, and decision making. When your child shows these qualities, spotlight them. Catch him being good. As with most behavior problems, the positive approach is the best remedy for handling power a power struggle.
A Final (and very important) Note
When your child does what you ask without an argument, thank him: A little praise can go a long way.
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