Love? Lust? (or) I Really Don’t Care!

Love? Lust? (or) I Really Don’t Care!


Relationships can be tough business. Whether you are in a current relationship or thinking about getting involved with someone you might find it helpful to ask yourself a few questions about the ONE!

You would like him/her to love you for your:

• Looks/body?

• Mind-The way you view life?

• You really don’t care because it’s just physical anyway.

If your answer is “it’s just physical” you can stop reading. This is about finding long lasting committed love.

What you should consider when looking for Mr. or Ms. Right?

• Cultural background- they may eat different foods, speak different languages, and have significant differences in cultural values.

• Compatibility/Interests- Let’s be honest, if he’s a couch potato and you are a mountain biker you might want to think twice about a relationship.

• Religion- It might not be a big deal in the beginning but religion can become a sticky problem when children come along.

• Mental health- In sickness and in health...sometimes easier said than done. Marriage is not easy to begin with, add the stressors of mental illness and you might find yourself in divorce court. Planning children? Keep in mind that genetics can be a factor in your child’s mental health as well.

     “I don't necessarily want a divorce...just some space. Just some space to feel like my own person... someone not weighed down by mental illness 24/7.”

~ http://www.schizophrenia.com/blog20/

The #1 thing to remember when considering a potential partner is…

Acceptance

“Don’t worry mom! He/she won’t do that when we get married”

You can’t change another person and you have no right to try to change your partner. Don’t promise to change if your potential partner can’t accept you as you are.

Minimize the Stuff, Minimize the Stress!

Most of us know the answers to our problems but we just can’t see past the trees. Sometimes when we concentrate on the minute details of a problem, you lose sight of the overall picture; in other words you focus on the unimportant, rather than on the important things. You lose site of the big picture; as the old saying goes, “you can't see the forest for the trees.”


The answers to most of our problems are in the forest; the big picture, but we can’t or don’t slow down enough to see through the trees; the minute details. Think of this way; we get frustrated and stressed because our house is a mess. We come home to find the floor covered in toys and clothes strewn about. In our rush to get things done we begin barking orders; pick up those toys and put those dirty clothes away! Like a bad cold, our frustration and stress has now spread throughout the house. Your family has now stormed off to their bedrooms while you look around wondering how things have gotten so out of control. Could it be that we have lost sight of the big picture and have found ourselves focusing on the minute details

How much is too much?

Have you ever looked in your child’s room and are unable to see the floor because it is completely covered by toys? You tell your child to put his things away only to come back to find the problem worse. Children don’t see the big picture, only the doll or truck that they are playing with at that moment. We on the other hand see a mess! The question here is “who owns the problem” or rather, who created the problem?

Too many trees! I can’t see the forest!

Many of us are guilty of overindulgence. Our children have lots of toys but we buy more. Holidays and birthdays come and go, and the toys continue to grow but we never throw any of them out. Stop doing what doesn’t work! Keep in mind that what parents see as a “mess” can be a daunting and overwhelming task for a 4 year old. Don’t expect that the “mess” that took your child two hours to create will be properly cleaned up and put away in ten minutes. Our children are so overstimulated by the volume of stuff that we help them accumulate that they lose the ability to concentrate and focus. Provide your child with a manageable number of toys; not manageable by you, but by your child!

The toys are a minute detail of a bigger problem. The problem is stress. Many of us have a propensity for overburdening ourselves; in other words we create our own mess by our attempts to please others. We can’t say no! We find ourselves involved in the PTA, church committees, and the neighborhood association. On top of all that we have to get our kids to soccer, dance, and cheerleading practice. With all of this going on plus your 50 hour a week job, you find yourself too worn out to manage your home.

Ways to help alleviate stress and better manage your home.

• Learn how to say “no” – Know your limits and stick to them, refuse to accept added responsibilities. Taking on more than you can handle is a recipe for stress.

• Take control of your environment – If the old clothes and that mountain of toys causes you stress, get rid of them; minimize the stuff, minimize the stress.

• Avoid people who stress you out – If someone causes stress limit the amount of time you spend with that person or end the relationship entirely.

• Manage your to-do list – Take a hard look your schedule, responsibilities, and daily tasks. If you’ve got too much on your plate, drop tasks that aren’t necessary to the bottom of the list or eliminate them entirely.



For more on stress management please visit:

http://helpguide.org/mental/stress_management_relief_coping.htm

Introducing the TLC Website!

Please visit our new website! http://www.tricountylifecoaching.com/
It is loaded with thought provoking information as well as a host of website links to help you in your daily life.

Thank You.

Eric

The Strong Willed Child. "I Don't Know What Else To Do!"

“I don't know what else to do with my child. I have tried everything. Nothing seems to work. Everything I do turns into an argument or a fight!”

Does this sound familiar?

Each day we attempt the same routines and are met with the same arguments. We hope that the behavior is just part of a phase or that “all kids go through this stage”. Unfortunately, poor behaviors usually don't go away on their own.

Does it mean that you are a bad parent if your child misbehaves. No, it simply means that if what you are doing isn't working perhaps it’s time to get some help and try something different.

Start by Recognizing your Child’s Temperament

Temperament is defined as "constitutionally based individual differences" in emotions, activity, and self-regulation (Rothbart & Bates, 2006). "Constitutionally based" refers to traits that are genetically inherited. In other words, your child is genetically predisposed to a certain temperament.

Can you as the parent change your child’s temperament? Most research says that temperament cannot be changed but that child-rearing practices can modify the way a child expresses himself. Parents and caregivers should find a goodness of fit, a temperamental adjustment that allows for smooth parent/child interaction. Finding a good fit will help your child learn more productive coping skills and adjust more easily to daily challenges.

A child with a difficult temperament does not necessarily mean that he or she will grow to have a neurotic personality when they become adults. While raising children consider how you interact with your child’s temperament. Children who are difficult should not be treated harshly but redirected to more constructive activities. Harsh treatment can create a child who is destructive and antisocial.

Learning to work with the child’s temperament allows for teaching the child to cope with situations differently than what may be prescribed by their genetic predisposition. Parents should attempt to recognize temperament to assist and guide the child in constructive ways that may alter their eventual personality in a positive way.

For more on temperament:

http://tlctricountylifecoaching.blogspot.com/2011/06/do-you-know-your-childs-temperament.html

http://tlctricountylifecoaching.blogspot.com/2011/06/more-on-temperament-does-temperament.html



Does my Child have a Disorder?

The American Academy of Pediatrics states that parents should seek help when they think it is necessary. The earlier the intervention, the better the outcome.

Below is a list and a description of common childhood/early onset mental illnesses. These disorders can create a high degree of dysfunction in your family if not properly treated. If you feel that your child may fall into one of these categories it is recommended that you contact a qualified professional. Don't delay seeking help. Treatment may produce better results if started early.

•Anxiety disorders: Children with anxiety disorders respond to certain things or situations with fear and dread, as well as with physical signs of nervousness, such as a rapid heartbeat and sweating.

•Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD): Children with ADHD generally have problems paying attention or concentrating. They can't seem to follow directions, and are easily bored or frustrated. They also tend to move constantly as if driven by a motor.

•Disruptive behavior disorders: Children with these disorders tend to defy rules and often are disruptive in structured environments, such as school.

•Pervasive development disorders: Children with these disorders are confused in their thinking and generally have problems understanding the world around them.

•Affective (mood) disorders: These disorders involve persistent feelings of sadness and/or rapidly changing moods.

•Schizophrenia: This is a serious disorder that involves distorted perceptions and thoughts.

For more on disorders:

http://tlctricountylifecoaching.blogspot.com/2011/08/childhood-mental-disorders.html



Once you have ruled out a disorder

Consider that your child defies your rules to see what he can get away with. Children will generally do what works for them and not necessarily you. If ignoring the rules lets them get out of doing something that they don’t want to do then they are unlikely to listen. If your child procrastinates or if you are inconsistent in enforcing the rules you are likely reinforcing defiant behavior. Strong willed children are very good at recognizing inconsistencies and quick to learn your weaknesses. If you are setting inconsistent and/or ineffective limits you are probably stuck in a pattern of shouting, fighting and arguing.

Effective Discipline and Limits Without a Power Struggle


Effective discipline focuses on the behavior and not the child. Below are some steps to consider while working towards improving your child’s behavior.

• A clear message: State your message in a clear and specific manner. If your child replies “just a second, later, but mommy...” follow with a reasonable consequence for non- compliance. Tell your child exactly what you want him to do, when he must do it, and what happens if he does not. Then walk away.

• Keep your emotions in check: If you show anger, you will be rewarding your child. Your anger will give your child the power over you that she seeks.

• Do not hand down consequences in anger: Your anger will only encourage your child to strike back with anger.

• Smaller consequences work better than bigger consequences: If your child thinks you have punished him too harshly, he will retaliate with power.

• The difference between power and authority lies within you:

  When you have to confront your child, emphasize cooperation, not control.

 Stay calm and rational in spite of the situation.

 Guard your anger button.

 Stop and think.

 Act, do not react.

 Give clear and specific expectations. Explain what will happen if your child chooses not to cooperate.

 Do not give ultimatums.


Look for independence, self-reliance, leadership, and decision making. When your child shows these qualities, spotlight them. Catch him being good. As with most behavior problems, the positive approach is the best remedy for handling power a power struggle.


A Final (and very important) Note

When your child does what you ask without an argument, thank him: A little praise can go a long way.

HealthyChildren.org - Dealing with Sibling Rivalry

HealthyChildren.org - Dealing with Sibling Rivalry

Hurricane! Psychological First Aid

Trauma—a powerful experience that may have long-lasting effects—has not always been defined the same. Scientists continue to study experiences of trauma in hopes of finding better treatments. One particular type of trauma is known as posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD).


PTSD can affect many different people, from survivors of rape and survivors of natural disasters to military service men and women. Roughly 10 percent of women and 5 percent of men are diagnosed with PTSD in their lifetimes, and many others will experience some adverse effects from trauma at some point in their lives. According to the National institute of Mental Health (NIMH), about 1 in 30 adults in the U.S. suffer from PTSD in a given year—and that risk is much higher in veterans of war.

In the aftermath of a traumatic event, individual choices can make a difference. Several common coping strategies, such as substance use, appear to yield short-term relief but create problems over time and should be discourage. Receiving proper treatment as soon as possible is key to producing positive outcomes.

Support and compassion are critical in the immediate aftermath of a traumatic event. Some people will want to talk about the event frequently, while others will find it troubling to discuss the trauma. It is important to provide support to the individual, help the individual maintain connections with others and encourage him or her to seek assistance in dealing with trauma.

Folks, please don’t be ashamed to ask for help following a traumatic event. We want to be strong and project ourselves and calm and cool but deep inside the stress is creating emotional turmoil. Find a healthy way to alleviate stress such as yoga or meditation. Joining a group of people who have been through similar experiences can uplift and support an individual who is feeling alone and isolated with upsetting and traumatic memories. Groups can provide community support as well as reduce feelings of helplessness.

Always! If you or someone you know is in a crisis situation, please contact emergency services right away.





For More on PTSD:

http://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?Section=Posttraumatic_Stress_Disorder

Addiction: Not Just Poor Behavior

Addiction isn't just about willpower. It's a chronic brain disease, says a new definition aimed at helping families and their doctors better understand the challenges of treating it.


"Addiction is about a lot more than people behaving badly," says Dr. Michael M. Miller of the American Society for Addiction Medicine.

The National Institute on Drug Abuse estimates that 23 million Americans need treatment for substance abuse but only about 2 million get that help. Then there's the frustration of relapses, which doctors and families alike need to know are common for a chronic disease.

Twenty years ago neuroscience uncovered how addiction hijacks different parts of the brain, to explain what prompts those behaviors and why they can be so hard to overcome. Genetics plays a role, meaning some people are more vulnerable to an addiction. Experimentation with drugs as a teenager or winding up on potent prescription painkillers after an injury can lead to addiction for those who are predisposed.

Even if you're not biologically vulnerable to begin with, perhaps you try alcohol or drugs to cope with a stressful or painful environment, Volkow says. Whatever the reason, the brain's reward system can change as a chemical named dopamine conditions it to rituals and routines that are linked to getting something you've found pleasurable, whether it's a pack of cigarettes or a few drinks or even overeating. When someone's truly addicted, that warped system keeps them going back even after the brain gets so used to the high that it's no longer pleasurable.



References and further reading:

Lauran Neergaard, AP Medical Writer, retrieved from: http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5ileBiXpDz9zZaBqwyvmJx-5Mzlmw?docId=cf6b85bae54c43ea8624c8bd257752b7

ASAM: retrieved from: http://www.asam.org/DefinitionofAddiction-LongVersion.html

Recognizing Childhood Mental Disorders

TLC’s mission is to help families deal with a wide array of problems and issues that can have a negative impact on the functionality and general well being of the family. Today’s families deal with a great number of everyday stressors from money issues to juggling schedules to fit the needs of everyone. As if all of this is not enough, you have a child who is increasingly difficult to deal with. TLC does not diagnose these types of illnesses but we are trained to recognize them and help you deal with them.


Below is a list of common childhood/early onset mental illnesses and their symptoms. These disorders can create a high degree of dysfunction in your family if not properly treated. This is intended for informational purposes only and does not take the place of a competent mental health professional. If you feel that your child may fall into one of the categories listed below it is recommended that you contact a qualified professional. Don't delay seeking help. Treatment may produce better results if started early.



According to the U.S. Surgeon General about twenty percent of American children suffer from a diagnosable mental illness during a given year. That means that nearly 5 million American children and adolescents suffer from a serious mental illness. Serious mental illnesses are those that significantly interfere with their day-to-day life.



Common Mental Illnesses/Symptoms in Children

• Anxiety disorders: Children with anxiety disorders respond to certain things or situations with fear and dread, as well as with physical signs of nervousness, such as a rapid heartbeat and sweating.

Symptoms: Children with GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) worry more often and more intensely than other children in the same circumstances. They may worry excessively about their performance and competence at school or in sporting events, about personal safety and the safety of family members, or about natural disasters and future events.

The focus of worry may shift, but the inability to control the worry persists. Because children with GAD have a hard time "turning off" the worrying, their ability to concentrate, process information, and engage successfully in various activities may be impaired. In addition, problems with insecurity that often result in frequent seeking of reassurance may interfere with their personal growth and social relationships. Further, children with GAD often seem overly conforming, perfectionist, and self-critical. They may insist on redoing even fairly insignificant tasks several times to get them "just right." This excessive structuring of one's life is used as a defense against the generalized anxiety related to the concern about the individuals overall and specific performance.

• Disruptive behavior disorders: Children with these disorders tend to defy rules and often are disruptive in structured environments, such as school.

Symptoms: Problems can be purely developmental, in the sense of a child whose natural maturation arc lags behind his peers. Problems can be caused by imbalances in brain chemistry. Some problems are caused by stress or trauma, whether at home or in the world beyond. Regardless of the causes, the symptoms are similar: defiance, rule breaking, acting out, anger, lack of focus, inattention, tantrums, restlessness, aggression, and more.

• Pervasive development disorders: Children with these disorders are confused in their thinking and generally have problems understanding the world around them.

Symptoms: Problems with using and understanding language; difficulty relating to people, objects, and events; unusual play with toys and other objects; difficulty with changes in routine or familiar surroundings, and repetitive body movements or behavior patterns. Autism (a developmental brain disorder characterized by impaired social interaction and communication skills, and a limited range of activities and interests) is the most characteristic and best studied PDD. Other types of PDD include Asperger's Syndrome, Childhood Disintegrative Disorder, and Rett's Syndrome. Children with PDD vary widely in abilities, intelligence, and behaviors. Some children do not speak at all, others speak in limited phrases or conversations, and some have relatively normal language development. Repetitive play skills and limited social skills are generally evident. Unusual responses to sensory information, such as loud noises and lights, are also common. Delays in the development of socialization and communication skills. Parents may note symptoms as early as infancy, although the typical age of onset is before 3 years of age.

• Elimination disorders: These disorders affect behavior related to the elimination of body wastes (feces and urine).

Symptoms: When a child does not accomplish control over their bowels and bladder within a reasonable expected time frame or if there has been a regression in this. For instance, a child may begin bed wetting or soiling their pants at the age of 7 or 8 after a difficult time in their life. The absence of the expected bowel and bladder control in development should be first explored medically. There can be a number of medical explanations for a child not accomplishing continence. Urinary tract infections or disorders may inhibit the child becoming dry during the day or night. Also, some medical reasons may impede the child from developing mastery over their bowels. The most troublesome elimination disordered is diurnal encopresis. The child soils themselves during the day. This results in peer alienation, shame, humiliation and family stress. It becomes critical to rule out medical explanations for this phenomenon as treatment begins. Children who exhibit this disorder for purely psychological reasons are involved with a vicious cycle. They view their elimination as a negative and thoroughly bad phenomenon. They unconsciously resolve to improve by stopping their elimination all together. They retain their feces in order to feel better about themselves. The next time they relax which is typically between 3:00-4:00 pm they have a spontaneous irresistible bowel movement and the cycle begins again.

Voiding dysfunction is a term used by doctors and nurses that means a person does not empty their bladder normally. This term means many different things. It may mean that the person waits too long to urinate, or urinates too frequently, or even tries to urinate when the muscles keeping the urine in the bladder (the "sphincter" muscles) are clamped down. The problems and symptoms a child with voiding dysfunction has will depend on his or her type of voiding dysfunction. These problems and symptoms may include wetting during the day and night, frequent and urgent urination, urinary tract infections, or sometimes kidney damage. Wetting only at night ("nocturnal enuresis") is not considered a voiding dysfunction. A lot of children with voiding dysfunction also have problems with their bowels. With treatment most children will improve. The best type of treatment depends on the kind of voiding dysfunction.

• Affective (mood) disorders: These disorders involve persistent feelings of sadness and/or rapidly changing moods.

Major depression and bipolar disorder are disorders which cause change in a child's mood. Depression is considered to be the most common mental disorder. It is often mistaken for "the blues" and therefore goes untreated. Depression is caused by a number of factors, from chemical imbalances to environmental influences to genetics.

Mood episodes last a week or two—sometimes longer. During an episode, the symptoms last every day for most of the day.

Mood episodes are intense. The feelings are strong and happen along with extreme changes in behavior and energy levels.

Children and teens having a manic episode may feel very happy or act silly in a way that's unusual, have a very short temper ,talk really fast about a lot of different things, have trouble sleeping but not feel tired, trouble staying focused, do risky things.

Children and teens having a depressive episode may feel very sad, complain about pain a lot, like stomachaches and headaches, sleep too little or too much, feel guilty and worthless, eat too little or too much, have little energy and no interest in fun activities, think about death or suicide.

• Schizophrenia: This is a serious disorder that involves distorted perceptions and thoughts.

Symptoms of childhood schizophrenia: Seeing things and hearing voices which are not real (hallucinations), odd and eccentric behavior and/or speech, unusual or bizarre thoughts and ideas, confusing television and dreams from reality, confused thinking, extreme moodiness, ideas that people are out to get them or talking about them (paranoia). Severe anxiety and fearfulness, difficulty relating to peers, and keeping friends. Withdrawn and increased isolation, decline in personal hygiene.

The behavior of children with schizophrenia may change slowly over time. For example, children who used to enjoy relationships with others may start to become more shy or withdrawn and seem to be in their own world. Sometimes youngsters will begin talking about strange fears and ideas. They may start to cling to parents or say things which do not make sense. These early symptoms and problems may first be noticed by the child's school teachers.

Some of these illnesses, such as anxiety disorders, eating disorders, mood disorders and schizophrenia, can occur in adults as well as children. Others, such as behavior and development disorders, elimination disorders, and learning and communication disorders, begin in childhood only, although they can continue into adulthood. It is not unusual for a child to have more than one disorder.



References and Further Reading:

Anxiety Disorders:

http://www.slbmi.com/anxiety_center/childhood_anxiety_disorders.htm

Disruptive Disorders:

http://www.healthychildren.org/English/health-issues/conditions/emotional-problems/pages/Disruptive-Behavior-Disorders.aspx?nfstatus=401&nftoken=00000000-0000-0000-0000-000000000000&nfstatusdescription=ERROR%3a+No+local+token

Pervasive Disorders:

http://www.ninds.nih.gov/disorders/pdd/pdd.htm

Elimination Disorders:

http://www.uihealthcare.com/topics/medicaldepartments/urology/daytimewetting/index.html

Mood Disorders:

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/bipolar-disorder-in-children-and-teens-easy-to-read/index.shtml


Schizophrenia:

http://aacap.org/page.ww?name=Schizophrenia+in+Children§ion=Facts+for+Families

Do you Argue with your Children? How to Avoid a Power Struggle.

Children have a need for power and this is quite normal. Children see adults as having power. Our children think that we do what we want to do. We appear strong and secure. We are all grown up. We have power. Children want to be like us. They want the same power they perceive us as having.


Children love to argue because for them, it creates a sense of power. They want their ideas to be everyone else's ideas. They like to prove that they are right and you and everyone else are wrong. Children like to control the situation. They enjoy having power over their parents.

Having a need for power is not a bad thing. It is only when a child uses power in a negative way that power can become a problem. Power-seeking children try to do what they want to do. They refuse to do what you ask. Children who seek power do not like to be told what to do. They resist authority, ignore the rules, and like to determine how things are going to be done.

Most parents deal with power by emphasizing counter-control. This does not work. Our efforts to control a power-seeking child often lead to a power struggle between you and your child.This is a no-win situation. Once you are in the power struggle battle, you have lost.

If your child wins the power struggle, he is reassured that power created the victory. You were defeated by his power. If you win the power struggle, your child thinks that it was your power that caused the victory and defeated him. He is reassured of the value of power. This results in children striking back, again and again, each time with stronger methods. You win the battle but lose the war.

Every child displays power differently. Most power struggles are active. Arguing is a good example of active power. Some children have learned the value of passive resistance. Rather than argue, these children will refuse to do what you asked. They nod their heads and just sit quietly. Some even smile a little. This type of power has a definite purpose-to push your buttons.

Stop being part of the power struggle. It takes two to tango. Make a firm commitment to yourself that you will no longer engage in arguments and lengthy explanations. State your expectations clearly and firmly and walk away. Tell your child exactly what you want him to do, when he must do it, and what happens if he does not. Then walk away.

Do not stay in the situation and argue. Go to your room and close the door if necessary. Do not let your child push your buttons. If you get angry, you will be rewarding your child. Your anger will give your child the power over you that he seeks. You may need to use punishment when dealing with power. Tell your child what to do. Be ready with a punishment if your child fails to cooperate. If you punish a child because of a power struggle, remember two things. First, do not punish in anger; this will only encourage your child to strike back with power. Second, smaller punishments work better than bigger punishments. If your child thinks you have punished him too harshly, he will retaliate with power.

When your child does what you ask without an argument, thank him. As a long-term solution, remember that a child's need for power can be a positive thing. Look for independence, self-reliance, leadership, and decision making. When your child shows these qualities, spotlight them. Catch him being good. As with most behavior problems, the positive approach is the best remedy for handling power.

The difference between power and authority lies within you. When you have to confront your children, emphasize cooperation, not control. Stay calm and rational in spite of the situation. Guard your anger button. Stop and think. Do not react impulsively. Give clear and specific expectations. Explain what will happen if your child chooses not to cooperate. Do not give ultimatums. Focus on influencing your child's motivation.





Read more on FamilyEducation: http://life.familyeducation.com/behavioral-problems/punishment/42960.html#ixzz1RndkFnmn

Divorce and Your Family

Family Life After Divorce


Family life during and following a divorce can be a time of uncertainty and confusion for parents and children alike. This can be a time of emotional upheaval for all involved. Anxiety, fear, and depression, and regression are only a few of the troubling emotional disturbances that the children and parents have to deal with in the divorce process.

Effects of Divorce on Children

Young children have little understanding of the concept of divorce. Preschoolers often show signs of regression as a result of marriage difficulties. Parental conflict can result in regressive behaviors in children such as thumb-sucking, bed-wetting.and other behaviors that the child had already outgrown.

The most common reaction preschoolers have to their parents' divorce is self-blame. Preschool children whose parents divorce often feel that they have done something to cause the divorce. They feel as if their poor behavior was the cause. Often they think that if they are very good everything will be fine again. These children begin to feel that if they try really hard that mom and dad will get back together. The most important thing parents can do is to ensure children that it is not their fault and is not about them.

Effects of Divorce on Adolescents

Adolescents are more likely to question the whole idea of marriage, have financial worries, and take sides in their parents’ divorce. These young people begin to feel as if their own marriage will fail the same way their parents' marriage did. They question if marriage is really worth all the trouble and heartache

Teenagers are more likely to worry about finances than their younger siblings. During adolescence people are more self centered .Teenagers want to be sure that their parents can still afford them the lifestyle to which been accustomed. They want to still be able to buy things, places with their friends. Younger children have yet to develop the concept of money therefore it is not a burden on them.

Teenagers are more likely than their younger siblings to take sides in the divorce. They are more likely to see one parent as bad and one as good. Over time these expectations may change as the children begin to heal from the initial shock of the parents’ divorce.

Relationships after Divorce

Divorce may find you feeling empty and ready to head toward a new relationship. Although this can be an exciting time, it is a time to use caution and judgment. Many people find that first relationships following divorce are great and exciting but do not last. Often these people have not given themselves or their children time to grieve and heal from the process of divorce. They find that their children are not yet ready to accept a different figure in their lives.

Conclusion

There is little that can be referred to as good in most divorces cases, especially those that include children. Parents need to be mindful that children view the breakup very differently than their parents. These children tend to blame themselves and may fall into depression. It is imperative that parents who are in marital discourse put the best interest of the children first. Parents need to be honest and open to the degree that the child can comprehend and never use children as spies or emotional crutches. The child’s current and future wellbeing depends greatly on how parents handle themselves during and after divorce.



References

Divorceinfo.com, Retrieved April 12, 2011 from http://www.divorceinfo.htm

"Bullying" How to Help your Child Handle the Bully

Help your Child Handle the Bully


Warning signs of bullying:

If your child is being bullied, he or she may remain quiet out of fear, shame or embarrassment. Warning signs:

• Damaged or missing clothing or other personal belongings

• Unexplained bruises or other injuries

• Few friends or close contacts

• Reluctance to go to school or ride the school bus

• Poor school performance

• Headaches, stomachaches or other physical complaints

• Trouble sleeping or eating

What to do if you suspect your child is being bullied

• Encourage your child to share their concerns. Stay calm, listen in a loving manner and support your child's feelings. Express understanding and concern. "Remind your child that he or she isn't to blame for being bullied.

• Learn as much as you can about the situation. Ask your child to describe how and when the bullying occurs and who is involved. Ask if other children or adults have witnessed any bullying incidents. Find out what your child may have done to try to stop the bullying.

• Teach your child how to respond to the bullying. Don't promote retaliation or fighting back against a bully. Instead, encourage your child to maintain his or her composure. He or she might say, "I want you to stop now," and then simply walk away. Suggest a buddy system while on the bus, in the cafeteria or wherever the bullying happens. Remind your child that he or she can ask teachers or other school officials for help.

• Contact school officials. Talk to your child's teacher, the school counselor and the school principal. If your child has been physically attacked or otherwise threatened with harm, talk to school officials immediately to determine if the police should be involved. Don't contact the bully's parents yourself. You might also want to encourage school officials to address bullying — including cyberbullying — as part of the curriculum.

• Follow up. Keep in contact with school officials. If the bullying seems to continue, be persistent.

• Boost your child's self-confidence. Help your child get involved in activities that can raise self-esteem, such as sports, music or art. Encourage your child to build friendships and develop social skills.

• Know when to seek professional help. Consider professional or school counseling for your child if his or her fear or anxiety becomes overwhelming.

For more information please visit the Mayo Clinic website and the WebMD site. The links to these sites are listed below for your convenience.



Reference:

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/bullying/MH00126/NSECTIONGROUP=2

http://www.webmd.com/parenting/tc/bullying-what-children-should-do-if-they-are-bullied

Quote of the Day

“Feelings of worth can flourish only in an atmosphere where individual differences are appreciated, mistakes are tolerated, communication is open, and rules are flexible - the kind of atmosphere that is found in a nurturing family".
Virginia Satir

"Bullying" Is your child at risk? Part 2 of 3

Factors Contributing to Bullying and Aggression

Family factors contributing to bullying and aggression:

• Substance or alcohol abuse by someone in the family

• Certain kinds of parenting behaviors toward the child

• Family violence

• Lack of warmth and involvement on the part of the parents

• Overly permissive parenting

• Lack of setting clear limits for child

• Lack of or inadequate parental supervision

• Harsh, corporal punishment

• Child maltreatment, such as sexual or physical abuse

Children who experience violence either as victims or as witnesses "are at increased risk of becoming violent themselves," according to the U.S. Department of Justice's Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention (OJJDP)

Children need not experience the abuse themselves to be harmed. OJJDP notes that children who have viewed or heard violent acts often have the same lasting effects as those children who are direct victims.

Research continues to show that, among some children, parental permissiveness toward aggression and harsh, punitive parenting both may lead to aggression and therefore bullying. More specifically, some parents may encourage their kids to be tough and aggressive. Many boys from these types of families end up being not only aggressive, but angry, argumentative, and disruptive.

Children need not experience the abuse themselves to be harmed.

These aggressive boys learn that their self-esteem or self-image should be based on their strength, power, and physical superiority over others. They do not learn that a positive image includes competence, good performance in school, and good relations with family and peers. Parents who use coercive parenting instill fear very early in their children. They often do this by using techniques that create an inequality of power such as physical punishment, yelling, and name-calling.

Disciplinary practices vary widely from family to family. Whatever the style, if the parent is not consistent, the child suffers. For example, if a parent overlooks misbehavior one day yet severely punishes the child the next day for the same behavior, the child does not learn right from wrong. Mixed messages from the parents where one says one thing and the other says something different also can confuse a child. Familial behaviors have the potential to strengthen or weaken a school-aged child's ability to relate to peers and behave appropriately.

*Take a look at your family. Is consistent discipline practiced in your home? Who sets the rules in your home? Do your children have a clear understanding of the rules? Do all of the caretakers (i.e. spouses, grandparents) know the rules?

Compared with past generations, new mothers today often do not have the social supports of family and community that help provide positive models of child rearing and discipline. They often feel overwhelmed, isolated, and unprepared. When a mother is unable to care for her child early in the child's life, that child does not bond securely with the mother. This often leads to deficiencies that may show up in the child as a lack of empathy, trust, and reciprocity of feelings. Parents also may have problems such as alcoholism or drug abuse and mental illness.

Socioeconomic factors can serve as risk factors for children and youth. Many families need to work more than one job to make ends meet. Often, kids are left for long periods of time after school with little or no adult supervision. The impact can range from a parent being unable to provide homework help to a lack of recreational and cultural opportunities in a violent neighborhood. Limited social and economic resources also contribute to parental stress, child abuse, and family breakups.



Reference:

"Bullying" Is your child at risk? Part 1 of 3

Risk and Protective Factors


Children do not live in a vacuum. Their behavior may result from the interaction of multiple factors, some specific to the individual and others that are situational, familial, or societal.

The presence of "risk factors" puts an individual at higher risk of aggressive behavior, such as bullying. Conversely, the presence of "protective factors" may ward off bullying behaviors. Examples of protective factors include parent supervision and participation at school, peaceful conflict resolution in the home, and parental discouragement of aggression. Decreasing risk while increasing protective factors is the goal of bullying prevention.

Risk factors usually do not exist independently. That is, several risk factors may be present in one child. One study found that a 10-year-old exposed to six or more risk factors is 10 times more likely to be violent by age 18 as a 10-year-old exposed to only one factor.

Risk Factor Timing

The timing of the occurrence of risk factors also determines whether a child has an increased risk of violence. Effective prevention programs must not only consider the range of risk factors present (in the individual as well as the environment), but that in the developmental process, these factors are more likely to be significant.

The fact that risk factors are present does not mean that a child is predetermined to commit bullying and other aggressive acts. No single risk factor or combination of factors can predict with certainty that violence will occur, nor does the presence of protective factors ensure that violence will not occur. Recognizing risk and protective factors serve the purpose of predicting the likelihood of bullying and violence and identifying points of prevention at the individual and community levels.

**It is interesting to note, however, that when third-grade students were asked to identify classmates who were bullies, 25 percent of the 8- and 9-year-olds they identified as bullies had a criminal record by the age of 30.
Individual factors affecting bullying and aggression include:

•Behavioral characteristics

•Biological influences, such as the chemical makeup of the brain or developmental problems

A child's personality and interpersonal behaviors often play a role in determining the likelihood that he or she will become a bully or a bullying victim. Examples of personality traits include shyness, outgoingness, contentedness, irritability, patience, resourcefulness, and determination.

**Children who are more impulsive and active, with dominant personalities, may be more inclined to bully. Children who are anxious, insecure, cautious, socially isolated, or who lack social skills may be more inclined to be victims.

A child's temperament, or the way he or she interacts with others, can be affected by his or her physical characteristics, such as height or weight, attractiveness, health problems, or the presence of a physical, emotional, or other kind of disability. Individual risk factors may include HIV, fetal alcohol syndrome, or retardation. Although the presence of any one of these risk factors does not mean a child will be overly aggressive or become a victim, each plays a role in how the child interacts with those around him or her.

Many children and youth who behave violently may have a long history of emotional and behavioral problems. Although it is important to avoid stereotyping or labeling of individuals with certain personality traits, it is nonetheless worth noting that experts have identified certain behavioral patterns that may be warning signs.


Reference:

More on temperament. Does temperament = personality?

The New York Longitudinal Study (NYLS) identifies three categories of temperament in infants. These are defined as easy, difficult, and slow to warm up. A forth category is noted as hard to classify. Children, who are classified as easy, laugh when confronted with a quick moving object. Those who cry when confronted with the same object are classified as difficult and those who are quiet are considered slow to warm up.


Children who are classified as easy will generally respond to the world around him in an easy manner. Their mood is positive and is mildly to moderately intense. These children tend to deal with frustration with little anxiety. According to the NYLS study about 40 percent of children fall into this category.

A slow-to-warm-up child tends to mildly intense and negative. They are slow to adapt to unfamiliar surroundings and people. These children tend to be shy around new people and situations. These children become more accepting of new people and situations once they become more familiar with them. About 15 percent fall into this catagory.

The difficult child tends to react negatively and intensely. They may have more temper tantrums and are more difficult to please, stubborn, and he may have a difficult time adapting to new situations Children that have difficult temperaments usually have more behavioral problems and cause more strain on their family. About 10 percent fall into this catagory.

Many researchers believe that there are five core personality traits in adults known as the "big five". These five categories are agreeableness, extraversion, conscientiousness, neuroticism, and openness. A person with agreeable traits tends to be kind to others and show trust and affection. Those categorized as extraverts are talkative, social, assertive, and emotionally expressive. Conscientious people are detail oriented, thoughtful, and exhibit good impulse control. People who present as anxious, irritable, and moody are classified as having neurotic personality traits. Openness refers to traits such as insight and imagination.

A child with a difficult temperament does not necessarily mean that he or she will grow to have a neurotic personality when they become adults. While raising children consider “goodness of fit” which refers to how parents and other caregivers interact with a child’s temperament. Parents should attempt to recognize temperament to assist and guide the child in constructive ways. Children who are difficult should not be treated harshly but redirected to more constructive activities. Harsh treatment can create a child who is destructive and antisocial.

Recognizing a child’s temperament is important for parents, caregivers and teachers. Goodness of fit allows for smooth interaction with the child and may help prevent long term behavioral problems. Learning to work with the child’s temperament allows for teaching the child to cope with situations differently than what may be prescribed by their genetic predisposition. Parents should attempt to recognize temperament to assist and guide the child in constructive ways that may alter their eventual personality in a positive way.

Do you know your child's temperament?

Temperament is defined as "constitutionally based individual differences" in emotions, activity, and self-regulation (Rothbart & Bates, 2006). "Constitutionally based" refers to traits that are genetically inherited. In other words, your child is genetically predisposed to a certain temperament.


Is temperament the same as personality? No, although some researchers believe that there is a fine line between the two. Personality is generally learned (honesty) whereas temperament (aggressiveness, shyness) is inherited.

Can you as the parent change your child’s temperament? Most research says that temperament cannot be changed but that child-rearing practices can modify the way a child expresses himself.

Harsh parenting combined with a negative temperament can create antisocial, destructive children (Caspi, 2002). Some children naturally cope more easily whereas a shy child must control fear to approach a stranger, and an impulsive child must constrain her desire and resist temptation (Derryberry et al.,2003).

Help your child modify counterproductive traits by recognizing their temperament. Parents and caregivers should find a goodness of fit, a temperamental adjustment that allows for smooth parent/child interaction. Finding a good fit will help your child learn more productive coping skills and adjust more easily to daily challenges.

 

Tips for keeping your tot in bed.

1. Why does your child want to sleep with you? – Your children might feel like they are missing out on something special and want to be involved. Some might be afraid of the dark or could be suffering from separation anxiety. Find the cause and you are on your way to solving the problem.

2. Create a transitional object - Young children tend to internalize their comfortable feelings toward their parents by transferring it to an inanimate object. Blankets, teddy bears and other objects help young toddlers feel secure during the night and in their own bedroom.

3. Help your toddler create an imaginary friend - Imaginary friends provide a sense of comfort and security. Act like you're tucking your toddler's imaginary friend in at night and pretend it's a real person. If your toddler gets scared during the night, they can look to their "friend" so they won't feel so alone.

4. Have a set and consistent bedtime - Children need boundaries and schedules. Allowing your young child to go to bed at 10 P.M. one night and then 8 P.M. the next night only confuses them and it doesn't offer the strict scheduling they need. Make sure you put them to bed around the same time every night unless there is a special occasion that prevents that from happening.

5. Use positive reinforcement - Toddlers love small rewards. If you have a problem keeping your toddler in bed all night, make a chart for them and give them a sticker for each night they sleep in their bedroom throughout the night. If an entire night is too much to do right away, give a sticker for every hour they stay in their bedroom. After a few nights, give them a bigger reward like a toy or something they enjoy.

6. Gradually increase away time - You might hear your toddler crying because they want to sleep with mommy and daddy. But giving in to their cries will only make the problem worse. Instead, go in their bedroom every two minutes to calm them down. If they keep it up, go in at five-minute intervals. Gradually increase the time until they stop crying and they have gone to sleep.

7. Don't reinforce their behavior - Many times when a toddler crawls into bed with their parents, they are looking for attention. By talking to them, you give them the attention they want. Instead of scolding your toddler, carry them back to their bed, tuck them back in and leave the room. Do this as many times as necessary until the child learns to stay in their bedroom.

8. Spray the scary stuff away – Children have vivid imaginations. The clicking noise that the ceiling fan makes can become a “monster” to a child. My wife uses a method that works well in some instances. “Scary Spray” (pillow mist) makes the monsters go away. Use your own imagination when it comes to ridding your child’s room of creepy things.



9. Get a bed with boundaries - One reason toddlers crawl out of bed is because they don't have any visible boundaries to remind them to stay in bed. As a result, they follow their impulses and leave their bed anytime they want. A bed with rails or something similar and age-appropriate can help teach your toddler to stay in their beds. Older children might benefit from the use of a baby gate strategically placed at your or their bedroom door. Be careful that these types of barriers do not impede in the case of fire or other emergency.



There are times when adults need to be alone and have adult time. When children are invited and have become the focus of family life, marriages can become negatively affected.

Over-parenting?

Parents may have difficulty allowing the child to separate from them. Parents sometimes fail to recognize that children need to develop a sense of autonomy. Psychoanalytic theory suggests that if children do not achieve autonomy (self-rule) they may feel ashamed of their actions and doubtful of their abilities.

Parents may or may not have a problem with their child co-sleeping. Keep in mind that some cultures have practiced co-sleeping for centuries. While common Western culture promotes autonomy and independence other cultures feel that co-sleeping creates a strong bond between parent and child.



Something to consider.

Sometimes parents are overly anxious about their baby or child. Have you ever been away from your baby? Do you worry about your baby all the time when you are away? Do you have trouble not going to your baby at night every time they stir or make a peep? You might have separation issues of your own. Some parents have lots of trouble separating from their baby. This is something you need to work on if you want your baby to be able to sleep through the night. Your difficulty with separation can cause problems for your child down the road in many areas (University of Michigan Health System).









References:

Savvy daddy, http://www.savvydaddy.com/content/site/survival-guide/00189/how-get-your-toddler-sleep-their-own-bed.

Tricounty Life Coaching and Family Intervention, http://tlctricountylifecoaching.blogspot.com/

University of Michigan Health Systems, http://www.med.umich.edu/yourchild/topics/sleep.htm

"Steps" for Grandparents

Steps for Grandparents


• Recognize the Dynamics of Step: The stepfamily has its own special state of dynamics and behaviors. Once learned, the behaviors can become predictable and positive. DO NOT try to overlay the expectations and dynamics of the intact and natural family onto the stepfamily.

• Give yourself time to grieve over the loss of the biological family: A stepfamily comes about upon a death or divorce in a nuclear family. Grandparents need to mourn the loss of that relationship before they can become a part of the stepfamily. Anger, resentment and fears are normal.

• Value yourself as a grandparent: Grandparents and stepparents are wonderful resource people. You have a lot to offer, such as unconditional love, family history and your life experience. Share!

• Reserve judgments: Negative judgments with a child can serve to increase the child's sense of confusion, conflict of loyalties and impact his self-esteem.

• Step-grand parenting: Go slow and see where your grand parenting skills are needed. Be prepared for the conflicts of biological and step feelings in you if there is more than one set of children in a household.

• Holidays, traditions and rituals: Maintain family rituals in your home as you wish them to remain. Adapt to new traditions in the stepfamily as they develop.

• Listen: be an impartial sounding board to your grandchildren or step grandchildren. At times they might need someone just to listen.

• Guard your sense of humor and use it: The step situation is filled with the unexpected. Sometimes we don't know whether to laugh or cry. Try humor.

• Your adult child has divorced and moved on to a new marriage. Recalling the good times in their old marriage is not going to help with blending the new marriage. Take the old wedding photos off the wall and put them away in a special album. It’s O.K. to keep these pictures, but do not display the old marriage partners on the wall for everyone to see when they visit you.

• When your adult child calls and wants to talk about their frustrating moments in their blended family don’t judge or say anything negative that you’ll regret later. It’s very difficult to blend a family and requires a lot of patience. Support your son or daughter as they try to be a good parent and spouse in this new blended family.

• Remember that it’s your job to love all of your grandchildren and support your adult child and his or her spouse in their new blended family. It is new and unfamiliar at first, but worth your efforts. You will have the reward of a bigger family to love you in return.

References:

Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC, Blended and Step Family Expert

http://www.BlendedFamilyAdvice.com

Stepfamily Foundation, Inc.

333 West End Ave. New York, NY 10023

http://www.stepfamily.org

Seminars for non-profit organizations and Churches in the Charleston, S.C. area.

Please contact me via e-mail if your Church or non-profit is interested in a no-fee educational seminar for stepfamilies or those who are divorced and considering remarriage.